What I said vs What You Heard

The theme for this post has been a long time brewing, but the launching off point today comes from a conversation with Kaelan Rhywiol (updated website here), a dear friend, and amazing Erotica writer. Our conversation arose when she asked my opinion on ablest language. My out of context reply was

Nash: depends on the sitch. Context is the only time I usually get my back up.
When it comes to myself, I quite often refer to myself as a cripple or a gymp. I call my cane my cripple stick, etc

 She went on to clarify

Rhywiol: In particular I'm wondering about words like stupid, dumb, etc... saw a post saying they were ablist and not to use them... but how the fuck... if we as writers choose not to use every word with negative connotations we'll soon have no words to use at all? True?

To which I had to say 

Nash: Everyone has their own, often obscure, trigger words. The day I let other ppl's perceptions make me second guess every use of every word is the day I quit the internet. *shrugs*
I think it is good practice to prevent structuring a post that may sound targeted. But use whatever lingo you feel like.

For Kaelan, the struggle stems from the knowledge that as an author and (gasp!) public internet presence, and as someone who has been tortured for the very truth of her very self, she understands, deeply, how words can harm. She would never knowingly choose to harm someone with the words she uses, but at the same time, she's a writer, an entertainer and tries to support her followers (who tend to be one variety of her own type of person or another.) On top of that, she has a professional image to craft and much as writing is a calling and enjoyment, it's also a business. The last thing she, or anyone in that position wants, is to accidentally say something to make fans feel marginalized. Especially when she's so experienced in feeling marginalized herself.

There are going to be times when you've caused some hurt feelings, yes. But there has to be a limit to the amount we police ourselves, or we risk developing at best, a complex, at worst, an ulcer. I am not above admitting that negative feedback describing me as a bigot of one form or another have caused me a great deal of personal anguish over the years.

At the end of the day, I police myself by the following concepts

1- You cannot control how others react to you, only how you react to them.

2- Something said as a generalization, while not meant as a targeted statement, has the potential to ruffle feathers. Each of us must weigh the risk vs. reward of the possible fall out.

3- It's taken me the better part of 3 decades to find the courage to HAVE a public voice. I, personally, will not allow those who choose to skew my meaning or twist my words, to silence that voice.

4- Some ppl are capital V-Victims. No matter how much you attempt to convey compassion, your words will not be welcome.

So, in closing, I'll tell you what I tell anyone who asks me about what and how they write. "Write for you first, the people you're writing to/for second, and the world at large not at all. Not everyone's opinion matters."